Blog entries

From the moment you hold your baby (or babies like me) in your arms, your life will change forever.

Not only will you experience a love like you’ve never known before, you’ll also encounter a flourish of up and down hormones. These hormones will then present you with a sense of protectiveness, which will often bring you to a place of defeat.

At some stage through your parenting journey, 9 times out of 10 you will long for the person that you once were. The free spirit that was able to come and go without worrying if you packed everything in the baby bag, on your way out. 

Looking at who I am and where I am today, I thank God I didn’t settle.

You see in January 2012 I said yes to a marriage proposal but come October that same year, I made the gruelling decision to walk away from it all. Some said I was strong enough to say no when coming to the heart breaking realisation that the particular path I was travelling had no real meaning or purpose and then some said I was doing a runner when things got tough.

Look there is three sides to every story and I’m not about bagging the other party or situation out but I did what was right for me and my future ahead. I looked beyond, weighed up the pros and cons of the relationship and clearly saw my life wouldn’t be exactly how I had anticipated. I suppose when you are caught up in the moment of being proposed to (which is every girls dream), the thought of not being entirely happy creeped up on me.

Despite being talked about and judged on so many levels after walking out on my engagement, I chose to put my best foot forward and move on.I grieved my decision for 6 whole months, not because I made the wrong choice but because I made the right choice. I put all that negativity behind me and I continued to mosy on in life.

Yes I’m over protective when it comes to the twins and that’s purely because they were born prematurely. The night before leaving the hospital and the thought of not taking the girls home with me, caused an anxiety attack. This anxiety attack bought my blood pressure up, which in turn gave me another day extra in hospital with them!

You know what? I must have suffered from anxiety as a teen, or perhaps even as a child. Back then it wasn’t as ripe as it is right now, especially since becoming a mother. I think I shrugged it off whilst growing up but once I set upon my fertility journey, it became a prominent part of my life without even realising.

How do I feel you ask? Well it’s an overwhelming feeling of panic, constantly feeling irritable, always on edge, at times manic in my behaviour, way over protective and I’m forever worried with thoughts I can’t control.

Back in the day I was known as Josie, the carefree chick that would come and go as I pleased, pretty outspoken, I lived by my own agenda and I certainly lived life to the fullest, doing everything and anything I wanted to do. I thought I was Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, having a love for my friends, shoes, fashion and bags (I guess some things still haven’t and won’t change lol).

My mum Carmel divorced after 3 years of marriage and grew my sister and I up on her own. Mum taught me to stand up for myself and my beliefs as she did and had after her divorce and although she was my parent always telling me off for something, she was also my best friend through it all. There was nothing I’d hide from her cos she already seemed to know what I had done or what I was going to do lol. My sister Nancy was my little annoying and very well behaved sister up until the day she married, it was then she also became my best friend. She’s always been prettier, more sensible, a lot smarter and much more wiser than me, therefore looking up to her I do quite proudly. Without my mum and sister who knows where I’d be! The 3 of us are a force to be reckoned with and should anyone hurt or do wrong by either of us, well all I can say is good luck to you.. We stand united in every way and that’s purely because the three of us are so tightly bonded. People that know me may say I’m a tad spoilt and I’ll quietly say it’s true. I hate the word no and actually still do up until now lol. I somehow always manage to overturn a no into a yes and I’d have to say it’s one of my greatest abilities to date.

Let’s face it right, I never expected to be the recipient of bad news in the office of my gynaecologist. From the tender age of 21, my poor body had been subject to 10 or more laparoscopic surgeries, particularly relating to endometriosis. It somehow became the norm for my pear shape sized uterus to be put through this so called form of “minimal invasive surgery” every 18 or so months.

I think I was around 36 years old, where I began to consider my age for having children and that’s when I took myself to my gynaecologist to get some tests. After being told I would need a blood test to see where I was at hormonally, this blood test would also determine whether I had enough eggs to be able to conceive.